By Paula Renaye
A young woman I know has struggled for most of her life to be loved. Her definition of being loved is being taken care of--of making someone else responsible for her survival, support, wants, needs and even her happiness.
She operates on the belief that “if only” she can get someone to do all the things on her ever-changing list, she will feel loved and validated and her life will be magically transformed--and so will her past.
She convinces herself that these delusions and illusions are real, and uses manipulation, blame, shame, guilt and wild demands to try to force others to give her what she thinks she wants. Then when it doesn't work--and it never does--she loses herself in one addiction or another.
No matter what anyone does for her, it flows through her awareness like water through a sieve, draining them but not filling her. She doesn’t see it that way, of course. In her mind, the blame for all her troubles falls squarely on the shoulders of others--parents, partner, boss, etc. Nothing in her life is her fault or her responsibility--she wouldn’t be this way if….(fill in the blank).
If I could, I’d read her this excerpt and a few others from The Hardline Self Help Handbook. She might not be ready to hear the words, but saying them would lay one more brick on the road of her journey--a journey she will be on at some point whether she likes it or not.
Grow up: If you’re still blaming anyone for how your life is, you’re not living in the present and you have zero chance of being happy. Nobody had a perfect childhood--nobody--and a lot of people have lived through bad relationships, health issues and untold traumas. The reality is that whatever happened to you before now is located permanently in the past. Those chapters of your life have already been written, and there are no rewrites. You can’t change what happened. You can, however, change how you feel about it and how you allow it to affect you--if you want to. If you don’t, and you choose to hang on to your old story as your excuse for how awful your life is now, then do us all a favor and just own it. Admit that you like having people feel sorry for you and that keeping your past alive gives you permission to not have to take responsibility for yourself and your life. The downside is that the only place this scenario makes any sense is in your head. Emotionally mature adults demand responsibility for their own lives.
Obviously, she isn’t emotionally mature enough yet to understand any of that--and may never be. A lot of people never get there no matter how old they are chronologically--you probably know a few of them.
Also obviously, she’s more than willing to have people feel sorry for her. She uses her victim status to get sympathy (caring) and entices people to “help” her out in one way or another (i.e., take care of her). It works for a moment, maybe, but ultimately it doesn't give her what she really wants. It can't. Only she can do that for herself by doing her own care-taking and giving herself the feeling of accomplishment and self-respect that comes from it.
So, in one regard, her own definition of love (love=being taken care of) is actually right on target--it’s exactly what she needs. The problem is, the only person who can give it to her, the only person who can truly love her the way she needs to be loved, is the last person she’s willing to demand it of--herself.
What are you looking to others to do that should be doing--must do--for yourself? Why aren't you? When are you going to start?
Do it now and live your joy!
A young woman I know has struggled for most of her life to be loved. Her definition of being loved is being taken care of--of making someone else responsible for her survival, support, wants, needs and even her happiness.
She operates on the belief that “if only” she can get someone to do all the things on her ever-changing list, she will feel loved and validated and her life will be magically transformed--and so will her past.
She convinces herself that these delusions and illusions are real, and uses manipulation, blame, shame, guilt and wild demands to try to force others to give her what she thinks she wants. Then when it doesn't work--and it never does--she loses herself in one addiction or another.
No matter what anyone does for her, it flows through her awareness like water through a sieve, draining them but not filling her. She doesn’t see it that way, of course. In her mind, the blame for all her troubles falls squarely on the shoulders of others--parents, partner, boss, etc. Nothing in her life is her fault or her responsibility--she wouldn’t be this way if….(fill in the blank).
If I could, I’d read her this excerpt and a few others from The Hardline Self Help Handbook. She might not be ready to hear the words, but saying them would lay one more brick on the road of her journey--a journey she will be on at some point whether she likes it or not.
Grow up: If you’re still blaming anyone for how your life is, you’re not living in the present and you have zero chance of being happy. Nobody had a perfect childhood--nobody--and a lot of people have lived through bad relationships, health issues and untold traumas. The reality is that whatever happened to you before now is located permanently in the past. Those chapters of your life have already been written, and there are no rewrites. You can’t change what happened. You can, however, change how you feel about it and how you allow it to affect you--if you want to. If you don’t, and you choose to hang on to your old story as your excuse for how awful your life is now, then do us all a favor and just own it. Admit that you like having people feel sorry for you and that keeping your past alive gives you permission to not have to take responsibility for yourself and your life. The downside is that the only place this scenario makes any sense is in your head. Emotionally mature adults demand responsibility for their own lives.
Obviously, she isn’t emotionally mature enough yet to understand any of that--and may never be. A lot of people never get there no matter how old they are chronologically--you probably know a few of them.
Also obviously, she’s more than willing to have people feel sorry for her. She uses her victim status to get sympathy (caring) and entices people to “help” her out in one way or another (i.e., take care of her). It works for a moment, maybe, but ultimately it doesn't give her what she really wants. It can't. Only she can do that for herself by doing her own care-taking and giving herself the feeling of accomplishment and self-respect that comes from it.
So, in one regard, her own definition of love (love=being taken care of) is actually right on target--it’s exactly what she needs. The problem is, the only person who can give it to her, the only person who can truly love her the way she needs to be loved, is the last person she’s willing to demand it of--herself.
What are you looking to others to do that should be doing--must do--for yourself? Why aren't you? When are you going to start?
Do it now and live your joy!
* * * *
Paula Renaye is tough love motivational speaker, certified professional coach and author of the multi-award-winning self-empowerment guide, The Hardline Self Help Handbook. Hardline is available in paperback and just about every ebook format out there (Kindle, Nook, Apple, Mobi, etc.). It's still on sale at amazon.com so get it now! 
