Tell Me What to Do

By Paula Renaye 

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard the words “tell me what to do,” I’d be writing this from my beach house, mountain chalet or private jet. I’ve heard those desperate words uttered by clients, friends, people attending my talks and workshops and, yes, many, many times from my own lips. Please, please, tell me what to do.

The unfortunate part of that whole equation—besides my not yet having the beach house, mountain chalet or jet—is that despite our desperation, even if someone did give us the perfect recipe to fix our problems, we wouldn’t do it. We’d claim it wouldn’t work or didn’t apply to our totally unique situation.

Ask me how I know. I absolutely hated it when my best friend quoted Richard Bach’s classic and painfully true words from Illusions: “Argue for your limitations and sure enough they’re yours.”

In the last few days, I’ve worked with several people who are in that agonizing place of confusion and turmoil. All are being presented with a tremendous opportunity to make a big shift in perception—and all have their heels dug in, resisting it with everything they’ve got.

There’s no talking them out of their limitations using logic either because they have an argument to back up every one. They are wearing their victimhood like a martyr’s crown as they rant and rave about those who have wronged them, loudly proclaiming the injustice of it all. And woe be unto anyone who dares suggest they have other options and choices besides accepting the same pitiful treatment and circumstances for the rest of their lives.

Their pain is excruciating to watch and exponentially more painful from the inside looking out—I know. I’ve been there, on that precipice of wanting out of my pain but not willing to give it up. I too begged for someone to tell me what to do.

However, like me, they aren’t quite ready to accept what hearing the solutions will mean. At this point, what they are really saying is, “Tell me what to do so things can go back the way they were when I could tolerate them—tell me how to stop this pain without having to make any changes in my life.”

When we are begging for someone else to tell us what to do, we are almost ready to find the answer for ourselves. The problem is that we can stay in that stuck place for a very long time, waiting for others to give us answers we won’t hear and refusing to hear our own.

As a friend, the best thing we can do is to encourage without enabling—or actually disabling. Sure, listen for a while, but there comes a point where it is time for everyone to “pick up their bed and walk.” And sometimes we have to be the one to deliver that news—it’s the most loving thing we can do.

Paula Renaye is a former eggshell walker, emotional fraud and utter failure at keeping her life from falling apart. She uses her journey out of despair and into joy as a breadcrumb trail for others in the multi-award-winning Hardline Self Help Handbook. For about the cost of lunch at a Chinese buffet, you can download this self-directed tough-love guide and companion workbook right now right here. http://hardlineselfhelp.com/?page_id=1984