Peas & Carrots

By Pandora Poikilos

Maybe it was my recent posting by Bill Walls (If You Love Her Enough) which got my wheels turning to write this or maybe I just realised it was time for me to say this as I got closer to 'the day'. For those who've been reading the other postings know that Peas & Carrots refers to my other half who at most times gets very little credit for the many things he does. While in some ways we may not know each other enough, there are even other ways and more when we feel we've already known each other for a lifetime.

No, this is not a recipe for the perfect or long lasting relationship, we've got a long way to go making it 'long lasting' let alone perfect. These are merely the very small discoveries we've made about each other that will hopefully string us together like strands of thread and bond us for a journey we'd both be enriched and better shaped in taking.

Maybe it'll have me explaining patience to our 13 year old daughter or have him explaining his raunchy tattoo (stretched, wrinkled and out of shape by then) to our 5 year old grandson, I don't know. What I do know is that if I ever set out on a journey of a lifetime, he'd be the one I'd want to do it with, even if it'll require airplane loads of hard work and patience to get there.

Past, Present & Future
We've both had pasts with incidences that have enriched us but in a small way make us wonder that we could have done without them. Some of his, I understand enough to share how he feels and others I can only be there for him when he wants to talk about it. And some we can both laugh about, leaving us much the wiser when we have our own children. I've got patches of very black areas in my past that make him angry and make me bitter.

They make him curse and they make me cry. On some days, I'll want to talk about nothing else and then on others it becomes too much to even think about. This is his secret because he knows which day is which even before I realise it. So here's his biggest gift to me, he accepts me for who I am, without judging, without telling me the past is my fault. He leaves the past where it's supposed to be, the past. Yes, we both know that there are elements of my past we both will never reconcile with or even come close to accepting but it's a big step to have someone who chooses to understand your past and stands by you anyway and for this I am grateful.

He lets you talk about the painful bits but constantly reminds you that this is the present and we have a future to look forward to, a future that carries no spot of elements from the past, so you know, at the very least this is someone who is not concerned about just the best parts of you and he'll stay for the ugly bits too. He'll make you laugh even when he knows something hurts you so bad and he'll tell you to chin up when facing something as scary as a surgeon's knife, with the simple knowledge he's waiting for you, there'll be loads of things he says and does, all so that today, can be a better tomorrow.

That's a No
Very early on, I learnt that this is a person I won't always get my way with. It made me feel especially secure in knowing this is a person who will do his best for me even when I might slip in some way, in a way that you know this is the right thing to do. You know he's doing it for who you are and not because he feels sorry for you or wants to find some way of making it serve his benefit. His 'no' will be an understanding one which will usually take into consideration how whacky or quirky you are capable of being.

There isn't any bickering nor is there any drama, it usually comes from mutual understanding about how far you can actually stomp on each other's boundaries and when we are not sure, we ask. On more than one occasion I've been busted at losing track of time and still typing away at some god forsaken hour when I've promised him that I'll try to get some sleep for the day.

On another occasion when I felt I could grab brain surgery by the horns, he has gently pointed out to me, "Sweetheart, it's a bit naive to think that you can bounce back just like that two weeks after brain surgery when people with broken legs take longer to heal, isn't it?" So yes, I won't be jumping for joy every time I hear a 'no' from him but I also know he understands me enough to have a grasp at my limitations and when to reel me in from fantasy land.

Something for you, something for me and something for us
Being the word junkie that I am, he told me to listen to the eons old "Truly, Madly, Deeply" by Savage Garden, saying it had something for me, him and for us. I thought it was a very apt description for any relationship in more ways than one. Any relationship of any kind has to be beyond suffocation. We cannot spend every single moment of the day with each other or like every single thing the other person does.

One, there's no fascination and two, it's the fastest way of saying, where's the door? Some people call knowing everything, love. Tell me when you've achieved this with one person and the relationship has survived, I'll rejoice with you. We all need moments in our days when we have separate jobs, different talents or when we lock the bedroom door after the shower to have a good stretch or just the simple pleasure of sitting down with a good book without a string of questions.

There is only so much you can control in your own life, let alone someone else's. Let it go. We are different for a reason. Be individuals who've fallen in love, whose quirky differences will make for a more interesting journey. After all, you can either be a pea or a carrot. You just can't be both. Or in the spirit of one of the most remembered lines ever, "You complete me," simply be the other half.

We choose to do this
The funny thing about arguments is that you'll rarely remember why - days, weeks or months later. I remember an argument we were having recently when I insisted on behaving like a five year old and he tried every way he could to gloss over something silly he said because he wasn't paying attention to our conversation, in the first place.

As the argument carried on, more than why we argued and the need for me to push him away, I remembered him saying, "I choose to do this" and it got me thinking. There is no such thing as 'we HAVE to love'. We love because we want to. Family, friends, lovers, best friends, we love every single one of them because they've touched something within us that lets us love them. Sometimes we may get hurt and sometimes we end up on a lifelong journey, either way, we choose to love. Just like the two of us, we choose to accept people for who they are without demands of change or ransoms of perfection. This is who I am, and it's done.

Truth & Trust
Like love, truth and trust are another bundle of choices we make. When doing something, we can choose to be completely honest with the person(s) we love or we can just let it slide and let it mount to something else. But this is a two way street. Can I trust you enough to tell you things without becoming your morning coffee chit chat?

Can I tell you the truth knowing that even if you are angry, you'd be angry for me and not for yourself? Do I have to run because I can't face the truth with you or do you simply say, tell me and I'll listen and this will really be between us. Too often, I've heard people move from one gossip to another, authenticity always assured mind you, without realising that the only bit of authenticity involved is probably the person's name.

Well, here's someone who won't be a part of it. He'll tell you the truth and expect the same from you. There are, however, no compromises on this. He'll willingly stand up to the person who tries to break this bond as much as you'll have to be strong enough to respect him without blabbering details about the two of you to a list of girlfriends on your phonebook. He'll expect you to respect his privacy as much as he respects yours and have no doubt that you can trust him enough to tell you things when he is ready. Even if in telling the truth you're admitting to a mistake, you'll find forgiveness and an opportunity to learn but always remember, this is a two way street.

And there you have it, loads more to learn, loads more to laugh about and loads more to journey on. And no, I cannot make any guarantees that this will be a journey with blue skies, sunshine and flower strewn pathways, we'll have our autumn days and winter moments, there'll be minor irritations on days when I write cake and he reads biscuits or when he goes out to do something he'll call fun and I'll scream recklessness.

Yes, there'll be many days and ways, boys will be boys. But there will also be those numerous, uncountable moments, when they'll be a man, hold you close, give you kisses of hope and show you - why him, you and 'us' are all worth fighting for.