Rocky Mountains High Lies

By Paula Renaye

I am writing today from the Colorado Rocky Mountains in the US. As those of you who know me personally are aware, I lived most of my adult life here and it is home. Coming back this time has been interesting in many ways. 

For one, the day after I arrived, so did the snow--a couple of feet of it. I was up in the mountains where I used to live and it brought back a lot of memories--good and bad. 

Not having to go anywhere or do anything, the snow is beautiful. The sapphire blue sky against the pine trees covered in snow is just stunning. When I lived here, I hated it--plain and simple. I was freezing constantly and felt trapped by the snow and the mountains. I was angry that what I wanted and needed didn't matter. I was isolated and lonely, and I very nearly lost my mind. 

I couldn't have what I wanted--do what I wanted to--because it didn't fit with what other people wanted. I was angry that I was living someone else's dream--and that what I wanted didn't matter. 

Ultimately, I was angry with myself, although I couldn't admit it at the time. I wasn't strong enough to speak my truth because I knew it wouldn't matter. Well, actually, it would have mattered--a lot--and my whole life would have fallen apart immediately, meaning divorce. So, instead, I pretended things were okay and yet was angry and casting blame because I knew they were not. All I did was delay the inevitable. And in the meantime, I made myself--and everyone else--miserable. 

If you've read The Hardline Self Help Handbook, you know the stories of my struggle out of the situations that my choices--and limited thinking--had created for me. If you've done the work laid out in the book, you also know you don't have to do what I did.

If you're saying things are okay, but you're angry or just feel "off" all the time, you know there's something you need to deal with. Start paying attention to your thoughts, your words and your actions.

I know, I've said it before, but it really is the very best place to start. If you're thinking one thing, saying another and then doing something else, you are indeed "off." There may be minor differences--at least seemingly--between the three, not to mention that you're probably also "talking out of both sides of your mouth."

For example, when I lived here in the mountains, my thoughts would fester with all the reasons I hated it and how it wasn't what I wanted. Then I would focus on its beauty and opportunities and run the "how could you not love it?" script. I'd complain about the cold then argue with anyone who suggested it wasn't the perfect place to live. I'd rant and rave about having to shovel snow then brag about being out in a T-shirt in the sun at 10 degrees doing it.

Now, if I could be so conflicted about such minor things, imagine how convoluted things were on the relationship side of things! And, of course, that's really what it was all about. It wasn't about the place I was living; it was the why. Always the why!

If you aren't happy, now is the time to figure out why--and do something about it.
Wishing you all the most amazing and insightful year of personal growth ever!
Paula

I haven't been to my old house this time and probably won't go. I went near it, but not to it. I don't need to this time. It's funny how that house was such a defining factor for me, my ex-husband and our kids--it affected all our lives in one way or another. 

I felt for so long that I'd left a piece of myself there, buried with the beloved pets at "Gingerbread Hill" as the kids called it. I know for sure I lost a lot of myself there. I also know it's where I started finding "me" again.
Paula Renaye is tough love motivational speaker, certified professional coach and author of the multi-award-winning self-empowerment guide, The Hardline Self Help Handbook, which is on sale for the holidays now at most retailers. Her Tweet-able Tough Love Quotes book is available free for a limited time. Visit http://hardlineselfhelp.com for more information and tips.