Have you ever done something you didn't want to simply because you didn’t want to hurt someone else's feelings? Were you afraid that if you didn't go along you'd be thought of as mean or bad?
To paraphrase Dr. Phil, "How'd that work out for you?"
I can tell you exactly how it has worked out for me—badly, very, very badly.
If I don't honor my own feelings and boundaries, how can I expect anyone else to? And if that person gets upset and thinks I'm a vile person because I didn't succumb to their pressure and do what they wanted, is it really a bad thing?
The answers are obvious, but when we are in the situation, it can be easy to fall back into old patterns and not do what we know to do immediately. When the internal warning system sends up a flag, those who don't have a solid sense of personal boundaries may push aside that uncomfortable internal twisting and let the violation slide. And if the other person has just told you how bad life her life is, and is obviously needing support, it can be hard to say the tough stuff that you think is going to make her feel even worse.
Well, that's a trap—a self-inflicted one. You aren't helping anyone when you don't honor yourself first. If you don't set your boundaries immediately—when you first feel that cringe—it is only going to get worse. Guaranteed. Because one thing leads to another and when you try to get away—and you will—then you'll be subjected to guilt and other passive-aggressive manipulations. That's just the way that kind of personality operates—like a vampire. They don't really want help, they want a feeding tube.
Yes, we all need to be kind and considerate and help others, however, the first person we need to be kind and considerate to is Self. And allowing ourselves to be sucked into someone else's drama and neediness isn't helping anyone.
So, in short, you can choose to honor yourself and your feelings up front immediately when the violation occurs, or you can pretend it didn't happen and keep going on until you can't stand it. It isn't going to work out well either way. People who need to violate others' boundaries for their own purposes won't hang around with people who won't allow it so you may as well just get it over with quickly. It will save everyone a great deal of unnecessary grief all the way around.
If this post rings a bell, you could tie garlic around your neck as a reminder or you might enjoy Anne Katherine's wonderful book on the topic called Boundaries—Where You End and I Begin.
Be kind and helpful, honor yourself and live your joy!
*****
If you're into funny mystery novels, check out the first book in my Jolene Jackson Mystery Series, Hot Enough to Kill. It's less than a dollar on Kindle!
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