I’ve been giving a lot talks lately on beliefs, specifically, the ones we don’t realize we have that take us down a path we really don’t want. I’m never at a loss for examples, because I hear them everywhere! And, once you start listening—to others and yourself—you will too.
After one of my talks, a woman came up to me and asked a question. I gave a suggestion, which I’m not sure she heard, because she immediately started telling me how awful things had been in her life. She also kept telling me—repeatedly—what a good person she was. She said she just didn’t understand why, but “good people always suffer.”
Well, you just don't say that sort of thing around The Tough Love BFF Coach and expect to say anything else after it. I stopped her autopilot soliloquy on her woes and backed her right up.
“Wow,” I said. “That’s the best limiting belief I’ve heard in a while.” She looked at me, totally bewildered. She had no idea what I was talking about, so I helped her out. “Good people suffer. That’s just the way it is, right?”
She nodded, explaining again how it was an irrefutable fact and—again—telling me what a good person she was.
“You know, you’ve told me what a good person you are several times now, and I have to wonder who you’re trying to convince—me or you.”
While she was busy trying to wrap her mind around that one, I added, “Good people don’t always suffer—unless they set themselves up for it repeatedly. So, why would someone do that?”
She had no answer, so I helped her out. “To start with, people who feel good about themselves don’t need constant validation to prove they are. They don’t need to say it in hopes others will agree with them. They also don’t need to create situations to prove it. In your case, however, because you believe that “good people always suffer,” you must stay in pain to keep from being bad. Suffering proves you’re good.”
She was shocked, and looked at me like I’d suddenly grown two heads. Clearly, that belief stuff was crazy talk. That wasn’t her problem at all! Her problem was all those other people doing things.
Uh-huh. That’s exactly what I thought for many years too. Also like me—she may need a bit more “suffering” to help her becoming willing to face up to what’s really causing all the problems in her life—her.
So, what’s your biggest problem right now? What do you say about it? What are you absolutely certain is true? What would you say if I were standing in front of you right now? What do you think this Tough Love Coach would say to you?
You know—you really do. Now, say it to yourself.
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Paula Renaye learned that tough love works the way she learned pretty much everything else—the hard way. Her new book, Living the Life You Love: The No-Nonsense Guide to Total Transformation is like a best friend wrapping a sturdy arm around your shoulder, telling it like it is then helping you figure out what to do about it. Learn more about Paula and her work, and read her blog, at http://paularenaye.com.
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