I've been a mom (mother) for over 15 years now, and along with gaining spider veins, 25 pounds, and a few dozen worry wrinkles, I've also gained knowledge.
For instance, I learned a major lesson when my darling daughter, age 3, put her peanut butter sandwich in the VCR slot. It seemed she wanted to "watch" her lunch instead of "Little Mermaid". Trust me, VCR's do not eject Peanut Butter Sandwiches!
In the twelve years since that sticky incident, I've also learned the following gems of wisdom:
1. A new mom really can get by on 3 hours and seventeen minutes of sleep per night. You could use the bags under your eyes to pack for a cruise, but at least the sweet smell of poopy diapers can act as smelling salts to revive you.
2. If it's 2am and your toddler whines, "Mommy, my tummy hurts!", you have three seconds to react before his stomach contents wind up on your pillow case.
3. A two year old can stuff half a purple crayon up his nose in the time it takes to tie your 4-year-old's shoe.
4. Your proudly potty-trained 3-yr-old will always have to "go" after she's bundled into long underwear, pants, and a snow suit.
5. A mom can have a 102 degree fever, hacking cough, and horrible rash, but she still has to make supper, make a cover for a 6th grade Science book, and take a sliver out of an 8-year-old's finger.
6. If head lice is invading your son's class, he'll pick that day to borrow Josh's comb (even though he usually never combs his hair).
7. A teenager may call your jokes lame - but she usually repeats them to her friends.
8. Nothing feels better after a hard day at the office, dentist, or tax accountant, than a big hug and sticky "tootsie roll" kiss from your favorite kid.
9. The best presents are not made of gold or silver, but consist of uncooked macaroni noodles glued to a jar and sprayed with paint.
10. Being a Mom is the best job in the world, and it's truly worth the spider veins, extra pounds and extra wrinkles.