By Paula Renaye
After renewing my vehicle tags at the courthouse, I walked to the back of my car to put on the new sticker. As I did, I couldn't help but overhear a conversation a woman was having with someone she'd apparently run into in the parking lot. She was telling about her adult son's latest troubles. I didn't intend to hear, but I did. And the viewpoint the woman told the story from was fascinating--and unfortunately familiar.
It seemed that Sonny and his crazy girlfriend had gotten into it again. This wasn't the first time things had gone bad, and Mom was speculating on what Sonny would find when he went home today. The last time this sort of thing happened, Girlfriend had thrown away all of his clothes and other belongings. Sonny had come home from work to find he had nothing to wear except the clothes on his back. That had turned into a real crisis for Mom. She'd had to drop everything, rush to the thrift store and get him new clothes so he could go to work the next day. This time, Mom was worried that Girlfriend might have taken his truck, which would leave him without a way to get to work and give Mom an even bigger list of list of things to fix.
In literally seconds--the time it took me to put on my sticker and get in my car--Mom had given me a clear picture of an old family pattern playing out. Granted, it was only a snapshot, but it the facts were pretty clear: the situation had happened before, Mom had helped Sonny fix it, he was right back in it again and she was ready to fix it again.
By now, you know where I stand on this sort of thing--a glass of tough love for everyone! First of all, this situation isn't any of Mom's business. If Sonny doesn't mind his girlfriend getting mad and destroying everything he owns then no one else should either--it's his business. He is not a victim; he's a volunteer.
Mom rushing in to fix things only makes things worse--for him and for herself. By taking away the consequences of Sonny's choices--he's with the crazy woman for a reason--it only makes it easier for him to stay with her. By relieving him of the hardship of replacing his things himself, Mom's actually helping him tolerate the situation and repeat the cycle.
As for Mom, well, the boy didn't come up with his way of how relationships should be all on his own, and making Sonny's life her focus may be a way to avoid facing unpleasant situations in her own life. She needs the drama for some reason!
They all do. Just because they're miserable doesn't mean they don't like it. They're all getting something from it. There's a feeling or belief that's being satisfied by the behavior or they wouldn't be doing it.
There are plenty of possibilities, but one thing is for sure. Unless someone starts doing something differently--unless Mom stops rescuing or Sonny stops tolerating and allowing--the old familiar pattern and family dynamic will continue to play out, keeping everyone locked in an unhappy cycle.
Now, Crazy Girlfriend could come to her senses, snap out of own need for drama and leave. Sonny could grow a spine, demand Girlfriend straighten up and tell Mom to butt out. Mom could decide that too. She could also decide to do get a life of her own and leave her son to live with the consequences of his choices. Whatever the case, until one of them reaches their break point and decides to do something different, they'll all keep doing what they've always done.
Our behaviors aren't random--we have reasons for what we do whether we're aware of them or not. And we will keep doing what we've always done until we find ourselves in enough pain that we're finally willing to make different choices.
So, if you find yourself repeating old patterns and reliving the same old dramas with the same old people, step back and take a long honest look at the situation. Like Sonny, maybe it's time for you to grow a spine and do something about it.
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Paula Renaye is The Tough Love BFF Coach, empowerment speaker and five-time award-winning author. Her new book, Living the Life You Love--The No-Nonsense Guide to Total Transformation will be in stores in September. Read more at http://paularenaye.com
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