I Love You Because ...

By Pandora Poikilos

Written On Wednesday, 17 November 2010
Updated On Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Some weeks ago, when having to deal with an issue from the past that had reared its little but very ugly head, I felt as though a load of bricks had fallen on me and cracked me open even further. It was bad enough that I was still reeling from physical pain brought on by my recent VP Shunt surgery and numerous other issues, I also had the wonderful privilege of someone 'close' to me saying, "Because brain surgery was something I wanted, I had to bear the pain as normally as I could and should not complain." For a short while, I thought that yes, something was definitely wrong with me. That maybe, I should not have agreed to the surgery.

Then I thought, what other option did I have? Lumbar punctures for the rest of my life? Hospital visits at least once a month or unexpectedly rushing to the nearest hospital because my CSF fluid had built up far too much? Nobody wakes up one morning and says, “today I've asked for a metal piece attached with a tube to be put into my brain and I'm going to enjoy every bit of it”. If at any point, I really am crazy and this is how other people react to their VP Shunts, do let me know and I'll stop jabbering away.

Maybe the person really hated me that much or maybe I was just that easy to hurt, I don't know. What I do know is that I am not everything I am called. I am what I answer to. And in the words of Mahatma Gandhi, "Nobody can hurt me without my permission". I grew up in an environment where Sunday church meant it was an opportunity to have more to talk about after the service than about the service.

In the name of concern, it was more important to spend whatever time possible assuming what our neighbours were up to than to actually setting out to do something fruitful ourselves. It was a time when we would open our doors to the whole world and forget what we individually needed as a family. Most of all, it was the time when we could criticise, slander, rebuke the divorcee and forget that we condone a far worse situation within the four walls of our home. After all, a grown up touching a child is something that happens everyday, everywhere. Nothing is wrong with it.

As I look back and think of all the people I have crossed paths with, I am thankful for the ones who have hurt me, even if they have hurt me in a big way. Because without them, I wouldn't be able to appreciate the 'support beams' that now support my world so strongly. Yes, I may not have the riches of Hollywood, and with my current physical state of baldness may look like something the cat has been dragging around for two weeks but I have support, encouragement and love. I have everything I need.

This post is about the few people who have shown me in every way possible way that there is such a thing as unconditional love and that if you're willing, you can do anything you set your mind to. It is for the person who reads each of my blog posts and makes it a point to write me a little note to say that I have made a good difference in their world.

It is for people, who regardless of time, effort, money and off days left in their work calendar have driven me or sat with me time after time in a hospital telling me everything will turn out fine and not telling me that I have been such a nuisance to them. Be it holding my hand, spoon feeding me or putting my clothes on, to do it this many times and for me to know I'd probably never have the chance to do the same for them, is an amazing feat.

It is for the person who has opened her home and her heart to me, despite her own significant losses and reminded me that you need something to hold on to, even if your faith is the size of a mustard seed. And in the moments for when I lose focus to always read, Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”.

It is for the person, who despite knowing my many cracks, flaws and broken pieces can still tell me that I am loved for who I am and that together we are just like Peas and Carrots. Also, that just as our fingers, when clasped together offers no space, that is how close we will always be.

Mostly, it is for the people who have believed in me even when I've stopped believing in myself, telling me to pick up a pen and write and to never forget to keep doing it, and irrelevant of country, time zone or phone charge have always found a way of keeping in touch, even if it is for just 2 minutes. Because, really, you actually need less than that to say I Love You or even I’m thinking of you. And so, here are the many reasons why I love the people that I love.

I Love You Because
- You never pushed me down when I was already down
- You make me laugh
- You listen to me
- You've never tried to change me
- You're the first person I think of in the morning
- You understand me
- You accept me
- You're the last voice I hear before I sleep
- You may not agree with what I write, but you still read it anyway
- You taught me how to remember the names of the 7 dwarfs - Dopey, Happy, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful & Doc!
- You end all your text messages with I Love You
- You've never complained when I said "I needed to talk" even if it's been at 3am
- You were honest enough to say you hate my makeup
- You've always been there to pick me up at the airport
- You've sat beside my hospital bed and not had a wink of sleep
- You taught me to love craft and to keep doing it
- You gave me my passion for books
- You've eaten my cake, even when it came out all cracked
- You're the person I can call when I'm in pain
- You don't say I told you so, even when you have told me and I've screwed up
- You always come stay, to be near, even if you can't solve the problem
- You've never once said I woke you up (which I probably did) when I woke up with nightmares and needed to calm down
- I can tell you anything and I know you won’t look at me differently
- You’ve never said I don’t have time for you
- You respect my personal space
- I can trust you
- You don’t jump to conclusions
- You don’t choose bits of me that you like, you take it all
- We're going to have a Labrador called 'Bruce'
- You are you. There's no else who can fit those shoes
- You make me feel safe
- I can close my eyes, knowing you'll be around when I wake up
- You know about the best gift box in the world
- You love me in ways I'm not sure I deserve
- Watching 'Cream Fraiche' with you was worth all the laughs
- You're my eyes when my spelling's gone to the dogs
- Sometimes, we really need to change the subject and sometimes we don't and we're still figuring out together, which is which
- You just called me pedantic and it made me laugh

(and there's more to come!)