Good Relationships Don't Feel Bad

By Paula Renaye

If it feels like there's something wrong--there is.

Sounds pretty simple, doesn't it? It is. The problem comes in when we don't really understand why we feel bad. In general, the why is because we aren't honoring ourselves in one way or another--maybe many ways. 

However, rather than face that unpleasant fact, we'll look for reasons outside ourselves to convince us things aren't really the way they feel so we can…yes, you guessed it…tolerate things we know we need to change. 

I know. I've spent most of my life doing just that. And, unfortunately, after all I've learned and all I know and all I teach, I have caught myself trying to do it again. I am trying to make myself believe things are good when they aren't. I am trying to create all kinds of logical reasons for a situation that is making me feel bad so that I can feel better and so that I can believe that there is still a chance that I can get what I want out of the deal. 

Hear me now: This is not a good thing! The only good thing, well, the really great thing, is that I recognize it. And I have to remind myself of the words I've written here a thousand times and said it a million more: if things don't feel right, they aren't, and you (I) need to figure out why. Here are a few questions to ask:

• Why do you feel bad? What is the specific situation that's causing you pain? Who or what is at the root of the issue? Why?
• What has to happen for things to be the way you want them to?
• How much of that is in your control?
• How are you rationalizing it so your feelings are wrong?
• What are you trying to convince yourself of so you don't actually have to do anything about your feelings?
• How are you hoping that the situation will magically resolve itself so things will be the way you want them to?

The last few weeks, months actually, have been both a culmination and a cleansing of the past for me. While it's been great on many levels, the process has also cracked open other doors that I didn't even realized I'd had locked and barricaded--or maybe completely walled over so I couldn't even see them anymore. But, they were there and I see them now--and they are hitting me at my very core.

The details don't really matter, although I'm sure I'll write about them when I have the clarity to do so. Right now, what matters is that I keep going and that I let those long-ignored doors crack open--and crack me open. It's the only way. 

Whatever it is that is causing you pain--whatever it is that you're working so hard to ignore while you try to pretend you're happy--stop and face it. Admit that you don't feel good about the situation you're in then figure out why. Once you're clear on that, you'll know what you need to do next. Hint: it involves you growing a backbone and a developing a truckload of self-respect.

The good news is that when you start respecting yourself and honoring your own value things will automatically get better--and will feel better--and you'll have people in your life that will honor, value and respect you as well.

So, fix what doesn't feel good. Do what you need to do. Talk to who you need to--even if it's uncomfortable and unpleasant and you wish you didn't have to. It's the only way--for you and for me.

Let's all clean up our "stuff" now and start 2012 clean and clear and happy!

Live your joy! - Paula Renaye

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Paula Renaye is tough love motivational speaker, certified professional coach and author of the multi-award-winning self-empowerment guide, The Hardline Self Help Handbook. Hardline is available in paperback and just about every ebook format out there (Kindle, Nook, Apple, Mobi, etc.). It's still on sale at amazon.com so get it now! Also, read the FREE now: Most Likely to Succeed--A Short Story of a Woman's Journey Back to Herself.