Paula Renaye - 2013: The Year for Wishing, Dreaming or Doing?

by Paula Renaye 

In my business, I hear many stories of how people are addressing their challenges and going for their dreams—or how they aren't. And oddly, sometimes they’re the same thing.

While it's not exactly like going shoe shopping to medicate your troubles away, latching on to one self-help book, program or free teleseminar after another can be just as unproductive if it's not for the right reason.

Now, that may seem at odds with my usual recommendation to get out and learn all you can. Well, the point of that is to learn so you can actually do something—not avoid it. You use self-help books and programs to learn how to make your life better—not give you something to keep you busy so you don't have to.

On the positive side, reading inspirational, motivational and personal development material can give you the little boost you need to feel better so you can keep going. On the not-so-positive side, it can take the edge off the pain enough so you can continue to tolerate what you know you need to change.
Moving from looking for solutions to actually making conscious choices that facilitate change can be scary—and you can’t do it until you’re ready. Just remember, staying confused lets you off the hook from having to do anything. Not knowing what to do keeps you from having to make a decision—or risk making a mistake. It keeps you safe—relatively speaking—and stuck.

So, are you really looking for solutions to help you make changes, or are you just creating distractions and diversions so you don’t have to?

In reality, it may be a bit of both. One way to shift things into full forward gear is to actually do something instead of just talking about it. It doesn’t have to be a huge thing—just something. Making a choice and taking a small action in one area can help bring clarity in many areas—it breaks the holding pattern. It also makes taking the next step less scary.

Whatever your situation, I guarantee there is something you can do right now toward what you really want that can start to shift things for you.

For example, if you want to start a business, research competition for your product or service. If you’re considering a divorce, find out what process is required by your state. If you want to move, get information from chambers of commerce. If you want to eat healthier, make one simple choice—such as, cut out sodas or bread—and do it. 

It’s not complicated. We just tend to see things in an “all or nothing” kind of way. “I can’t do this until I do that, or until that happens.” Stop it! Do one thing. Then do another. Making a conscious choice and following through is huge—and hugely empowering.

Back to the example of starting your own business. You want to, but it seems totally overwhelming and you certainly don’t have the cash to even think about it. Well, forget about the money and get the dream built first. Start developing a business plan—and all that means. It costs nothing and is essential to moving forward when you do have funding—or to getting that funding. Once you start doing something, the dream becomes more real. It starts to feel as if you are already in business, and it opens the doors for seeing options you couldn’t when you were just wishing.

So, is 2013 the year you just make another resolution and hope something magically happens to make it come true, or is this the year you actually do something?

* * * * *

Paula Renaye is a tough love media expert, certified professional coach, empowerment speaker and award-winning author. Her acclaimed self-help book, Living the Life You Love: The No-Nonsense Guide to Total Transformation, was named to Kirkus Reviews’ Best of 2012 and is endorsed by health and mental health professionals. To learn more about Paula Renaye and read more personal development articles, visit www.PaulaRenaye.com.

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Paula Renaye - Snap out of it! Uh, okay…

by Paula Renaye

On my adventures here in Florida, I’ve met some really great people—and yes, I’m having a fabulous time! At an event the other day, I was talking with a couple of women. We were doing the usual who are you, what do you do routine. One woman (we’ll call her Jill) was still reeling from the unhappy ending of her twenty-something year marriage six months before. She said it had been a big deal for her to even come to the event since she didn’t get out much, but sitting at home alone wasn’t easy either.

Oh, I know how that feels! Dealing with the emotional, physical and financial fallout from a divorce can be a big challenge. Redefining yourself as a result of the it can be even bigger. We chatted a bit and I told her it would get better—she would feel better. I mentioned how hard it had been for me to go to the movies alone during my dark times. 

Before I could finish, however, the other woman (Wanda) interrupted. “Every time I go to one of these things, somebody says something like that.” She shook her head in disgust and added a “you poor pathetic things” kind of sigh. “I just don’t get it. It’s not a big deal.” Wanda then proceeded to tell how she’d never been married but had had a couple of relationships, and when they’d broken up, she’d simply snapped out of it and moved along. 

Well, okay, great—good for her. Glad she was able to do that, but when I was feeling gutted like a fish with my heart laid out for the world to see, I sure couldn’t. For those of us who’d been married for decades and then suddenly found ourselves not—and very alone—these things are very big deals. Wanda, however, had been single her whole life—that’s who she’d always been—so being alone was normal. Totally different experiences. One view isn’t right and the other wrong, just different. It would have been just as ridiculous for Jill to insist that Wanda needed to pull back and grieve feelings she didn’t have as it was for Wanda to think Jill should just snap out of it.

It’s easy to tell others to just “get over it” when you’re not the one who’s drowning in the middle of the emotional swamp—especially a swamp you’ve never had to navigate. Now, we all need wakeup calls—and I am The Tough Love Coach and those are my specialty—but just saying “get over it” doesn’t help. You’ve got to get clear on why you feel as you do so you can make peace with it and move forward. Until you do that, all the “snap out of it” and “get over it” comments just make things worse. 

No matter how stupid, pathetic or ridiculous they might “seem,” your feelings are real and you’ve got to acknowledge and validate them before you have any chance of “getting over” them. Jill was already feeling bad enough about herself without Wanda implying that a stronger, better and more competent woman such as herself wouldn’t be thinking and feeling such silly things and would have the world by the tail.

After talking with both women for a while, I was pretty sure the only tail Wanda had the world by was a seriously negative one. Andy any “snap out of it and stop wallowing in self-pity” talk she felt compelled to give needed to be directed in the mirror. Because, unlike Jill, Wanda complained about everything—not one positive statement, seriously. And, she wasn’t looking for solutions either—there were none; she’d tried everything. She didn’t want things to be different. She was quite happy being miserable, thank you very much.

So, the bottom line is that someone like Jill who is fresh in the pain of a devastating experience needs validation and support—she needs to know it’s okay to have the feelings she is and that she can heal. On the other hand, someone like Wanda who has been complaining for years about the same old things and won’t do anything about them definitely needs a “snap out of it” talk. Then, once she’s off her high horse and out of muck of her own making, she too can face up to the reality of what is really going on in her life—and why. And maybe, just maybe, she’ll find the courage to fix it so she can truly be happy.

So, sure, snap out of it! Just know what that really means for you and do what you need to.

* * * * *

Paula Renaye is a certified professional coach, empowerment speaker and award-winning author Living the Life You Love: The No-Nonsense Guide to Total Transformation. Visit www.paularenaye.com

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Paula Renaye - I Don’t Want To & You Can’t Make Me!

by Paula Renaye 

Last week I was at a conference where I did a presentation and also had a booth. The talk went great, and while the screaming Belief Monkey flying across the room was a big hit with the crowd, my memorable moments came after the talk.

I love it when something I say sparks an insight or new awareness, and when that also triggers a personal shift within, well, it is just magical—and it’s why I do what I do. 

On the other hand, there were some who stopped by to chat who hadn’t heard me speak. If they had, they would have known to steer clear. But my book’s bright yellow-tangerine color and mesmerizing title called to them like a moth to a flame. Of course, it was actually that they knew they needed it.

Living the Life You Love. “Oh, yes, I want that!” Even after picking it up and reading the subtitle—The No-Nonsense Guide to Total Transformation—things were still going okay. But then, as most of us do, it came time to read the back cover.

After reading it and flipping through a few pages of the text, one woman simply said, “I know I need to make changes, but I don’t want to.” As she laid the book back down, she added, “I’m just not ready.”

Okay. I didn’t try to talk her into or out of anything, just told her it was really great that she was being honest with herself. The internal struggle was evident in her eyes, but she said, quite wisely, “You can’t do it until you want to,” then turned and walked away.

Another woman nodded along as she read the top three paragraphs. The bullet points put a stop to the nodding, but she kept reading until she got to, “New ways to look at food, exercise and money that make healthy choices easy.” I know that’s the point she got to because she read it out loud and dropped the book back on the table. “No, no I can’t do that! I don’t want to do that!” she said, then literally ran from the booth. The “And you can’t make me!” was implied if not actually spoken.
I have great compassion for the runners. I know what it feels like to be in that place of knowing you need to make changes and terrified of what it will mean if you do. I also know that the only way to get out of that pain is to stop running and face it down. You’ve got to make a stand and do something about it.

The glimmer of light is that whether they realized it or not, just by picking up that book and reading a few words they pushed themselves closer to wanting to. They may have said some version of, “I don’t want to and you can’t make me,” but what I heard was, “I know I need to do this and I will—I will!—I’m almost ready.”

* * * * *

Paula Renaye is a tough love coach, transformational speaker and five-time award-winning self-help author of Living the Life You Love: The No-Nonsense Guide to Total Transformation. Paula will be presenting two “cut to the chase and get it done” Personal Transformation Workshop Retreats in Destin, Florida in December. Registrations for these exclusive events are strictly limited to allow maximum interactive coaching for each woman, so sign up now to reserve your place. Details at http://toughlovetalk.com/destin-in-december/

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Paula Renaye - Holiday Tips to Dodge Family Drama

Holiday Tips to Dodge Family Drama

by Paula Renaye

If you’ve ever dreaded going home for the holidays, you aren’t alone. The blissful family images portrayed in the media aren’t the reality for most of us, but you can find your own version of holiday bliss by following these simple tips adapted from award-winning author Paula Renaye’s new self-help book, Living the Life You Love: The No-Nonsense Guide to Total Transformation:

Get clear on why you’re going in the first place. Obligation, guilt or “if only” wishes of finally getting that pat on the back you’ve always wanted aren’t good setups for happy times. Make peace with the past and stop looking to others to make you feel good about yourself. Then, you can choose to go—or not—for the right reasons.

Take a pre-trip negativity inventory. You may realize your relatives are card-carrying members of The Gray Cloud Crowd, but are you certain you’re totally out of the swamp? Start paying attention to your thoughts and words; listen to your complaints, criticisms and judgments. Cleaning up your own habits now will help you stay rooted on the positive side when you’re in the thick of things with family.

Replay old family dramas before you go. You know what people and situations put your tail in a twist, so think about it ahead of time and figure out new ways of dealing with it. If you don’t do what you’ve always done, the same old things can’t happen—and you can keep smiling instead of being caught up in the old junk.

Do not share your woes. When you’re in a tough place, it’s tempting to find a shoulder to cry on—any shoulder—don’t do it. Talking about your troubles in a group setting is a bad idea. Telling negative people what’s wrong in your life is a horrible one. You might get a microsecond of sympathy, but that’s only so they can launch into telling you how much worse they have it. Or, they’ll repeat your sad tale to everyone they know so they can feel better about themselves. So, regardless of what is going on in your life, your answer to the “how are you” question is, “Great!”

Be genuinely interested in others. If you choose to go to an event, go with the agenda of enjoying reconnecting with the people who will be there. Look for the good in each and honor that. However, just because you’re looking at their good side, don’t expect them to be anyone but who they are—a snake will always be a snake. Just choose to interact with them on your terms and keep yourself positive. And, you might be surprised how much you really do enjoy it when your focus is on making others feel appreciated instead of trying to get validation for yourself.

Use the 3-Ds—Dodge, Distract and Detour. Just because someone asks you a question doesn't mean you have to answer it. Questions such as, “Tell me, dear, is your husband still with that little tramp he left you for?” do not deserve answers. Yes, you could fire off a snappy comeback, and if that brings you peace, go for it. Another option is to use the 3-Ds instead. “Oh, you’re always thinking of others. I remember when I was kid, you always had brownies for me when I came over to your house. I loved those brownies! What did you put in those that made them so good?” You dodged the question, distracted with something else and detoured the conversation to a positive topic.

Make a Happy List. Since you may not always have a brownie memory handy, make a list of the people you expect to see and write out their interests and things you can talk about in case you get cornered. Have some general topics too—no politics, religion or sex, of course—just interesting recent events to keep the conversation moving in a positive direction. Make the list—you'll be glad you did. Keep a copy by the phone too!

Once you make peace with the past, and yourself, the rest is easy. Being clear on what you want to do—and why—and making conscious choices because of it are huge stress relievers. Figure out what makes a happy holiday for you and do it on purpose!

*****

Paula Renaye is a tough-love media expert and five-time award-winning author of Living the Life You Love: The No-Nonsense Guide to Total Transformation. Visit her blog at www.paularenaye.com.

NOTE: Email me for your special Personal Transformation Workshop Application (with a special discount) at paula@paularenaye.com

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Paula Renaye - American Politics ... You’re Saying the Same Things

by Paula Renaye 

By the time you read this, the voting booths in the United States will have closed and election results tallied. The country seems equally divided along party lines for the presidential race, with many passionate and vocal supporters who are certain the world as we know it will end if their side doesn’t win.

In spite of my best efforts to avoid it, a democrat and republican friend who know each other (let’s call them Red and Blue) wanted to talk to me about politics this past week. They righteously defend their viewpoint and vehemently denounce the other’s, using essentially the same words. They ranted and raved about how the other party was the sole cause of all the problems in the country. They cursed the (liberal/conservative) media for attacking and victimizing their candidate and for refusing to air the dirty laundry of his opponent. Their myopic viewpoints were essentially the same; they were seeing the same scene, just in different colors.

There was no point trying to be the voice of reason and talk them down from their emotional high horses. I’ve tried that before and it never worked. I finally figured out why too—because they want to be angry. They don’t want to see things in any other way because they want to stay angry—it’s part of who they are.

So instead delving into any kind of discussion, I simply mentioned to Red how Blue had said the exact same thing, only opposite—ditto to Blue about Red. And then I changed the subject.

No, they weren’t happy that I didn’t hop on the negativity wagon and agree that the world is going to hell in a hand basket. But I won’t do that—it’s not my belief and I am not going to put my energy into that belief.

It’s easy to get caught up in a wave of emotion and not really understand why you’re doing what you’re doing—why you’re defending or attacking what you are. Is it really about choosing the best person or solution? Or is it about being self-righteously “right”? Is it really about the politics or does the issue trigger something for you at a deep personal level?

Yes, that would be my guess too—it’s really about you. So, if you find yourself ranting and raving about something, stop for a just a moment—a really long moment—and ask yourself why you’re so worked up. What are you really angry about? What are “they” doing that makes you mad? What are you afraid will happen if things don’t go your way? What will you gain if they do? What are you afraid you’ll lose if they win? What will you gain if your party wins?

They’re great questions and explaining why for each makes them even more powerful. So, take the time to figure out why you feel as you do and why you align with the people, platforms and positions you do. Don’t assume you know—you don’t, not everything, not at the deepest level. Once you do know, then you can make your choices consciously and on purpose rather than reacting to unconscious emotional triggers.

When you have personal peace and clarity, it’s much easier to stay above the fray and keep your attention, energy and emotion on creating good things. And since whatever you create for yourself automatically ripples outward to others, your new non-myopic view is contributing to the good of all.

You are more powerful than you know, so choose what you put your energy toward wisely.

Spread joy!

* * * * *

Paula Renaye is a tough love media expert and award-winning author of the acclaimed personal development book, Living the Life You Love: The No-Nonsense Guide to Total Transformation, which is available at neighborhood and online bookstores. Visit her blog at www.ToughLoveTalk.com

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Paula Renaye - Do You Have Clarity?

by Paula Renaye

Do you have clarity? It’s a fair question, but one that begs another: About what? 

You might be completely clear about where you are in one area of life and totally clueless about another. Your relationships—romantic, family and otherwise—may be fantastic, but you may feel unfulfilled in your work and have no idea how to fix it. Or, vice versa. Or, you may have a totally different area where you just can’t see the forest for the trees. Whatever the case, the way to get clarity about a situation might not be exactly what you think it would.

For me, there was a time in the not-so-distant past when about the only thing I had a clear bead on in my life was survival, whatever that meant in the moment. Whether it was mental, physical, emotional or financial survival, or all the above, the best I could hope for was to see some way to make do, to keep going and just “get through it.” It isn’t a fun way to live. And ultimately, it took not being able to make do—not being able to find a way to tolerate—that pushed me toward clarity. 

I thought I had been dutifully, valiantly, and certainly desperately, seeking answers for my problems, but it turns out, all my frantic “tell me what to do” pleas were really just a way to avoid facing the truth. I didn’t really want clarity; I wanted an excuse I could live with so I didn’t have to make any changes in my life. I knew what I needed to do, I just didn’t want to do it—or deal with what would happen if I did. I wasn’t ready for clarity.

For example, as long as I kept looking for other options to solve my relationship problem—besides actually getting out of it, of course—I didn’t have to face the reality that there was nothing that was going to “fix” what was really wrong.  

If you’ve read Living the Life You Love, you know that not being married or not having a man in my life meant death to my subconscious belief system. So, regardless of what I said consciously about wanting to know what to do—wanting clarity—that deeper part of me would do anything to avoid it and the consequences thereof. 

What do you need clarity on in your life? Are you asking the same questions over and over, but getting nowhere? Where and when do you feel like you hit a brick wall when you try to move forward or find peace? If you had an all-knowing wise being standing before you right now that you could ask what to do about it, what would you say? 

Turns out you do have a wise being to turn to—you—so give this a try. Complete the following sentences, using as many words as you need to. Be sure to write down every thought that comes up:

Please tell me what to do about___________________.

I am so tired of not knowing what to do and feeling ___________________.

I really want to feel ___________________ and be able to ___________________.

If I had a magic wand, I would ___________________.

There is no good solution for my problem because ___________________.

The one solution for my problem that I do not want to consider is ___________________, because ___________________.

If I didn’t have this problem, I would be happy because ___________________.

I can’t promise you’ll get total clarity from answering these questions, but I can promise that you’ll get some. And, you may even get some insights into a deeper issue that you need to deal with. 

Remember, the only way out is through, so don’t avoid what makes you cringe. Face it head on and clear it. And, of course, if you need professional help, please get it.

Do what you need to do and starting living a life you truly love today!

* * * *

Paula Renaye is a tough love media expert, empowerment coach, transformational speaker and five-time award-winning author. Her new acclaimed self-improvement book, Living the Life You Love: The No-Nonsense Guide to Total Transformation, received a starred review and critics’ pick from Kirkus Reviews and is available at your neighborhood or online bookstore. For more articles and information, visit www.paularenaye.com.

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Paula Renaye - You Just Can’t Trust People

You Just Can’t Trust People!
by Paula Renaye 

You’ve probably heard it said that you just can’t trust people. It’s true, but maybe not in the way you’d think. 

Sure, we’ve all had our trust betrayed, and it wasn’t a fun experience. Some of us even came away so jaded we find it hard to trust anyone for anything anymore. And yet, we trust all the time. We trust other drivers to stay in their lane and obey traffic signals. Some don’t, but most do. We trust that when we open a box that it contains what it says on the label. Again, most do, but some have deliberately misleading labels with catchy buzzwords that try to trick us into buying.

It’s the same with people, and sometimes we see and hear what we want to rather than what’s really there. I sure did in relationships. I entrusted my whole being—my mental, physical, emotional and financial well-being—to another person, and yet I never ever trusted him to do the right thing on his own. What’s up with that?
Trust comes from expectation and experience. If your experience is that all men cheat—or want to—you’ll have a hard time trusting any man not to cheat on you. However, you may completely trust that same man to be financially responsible. Of course, you’ll attract what you expect too, and that’s where the real problem comes in—attracting a man who is untrustworthy and expecting him to be otherwise. Compounding the issue is that you actually can trust him in some situations—just not all, and maybe not even the ones that are most important to you.

My friend and colleague, corporate trainer C. W. Miller, explains trust this way: “Our level of trust varies according to individuals and situations. I wouldn’t trust a jet pilot to perform brain surgery. I wouldn’t trust an eight year old to catch me if I fell from a chair, but I may well trust a professional football player to make that catch.”

Trusting someone who wasn’t capable of meeting my expectations wasn’t his problem, it was mine. How could I possibly trust someone to “catch” me when he couldn’t do it for himself? To be fair, I didn’t realize that at first—actually, I didn’t want to. I wanted so badly to be loved and cared for that I bought the hype on the package and deliberately refused to read the rest of the label—I saw what I wanted to.

The bottom line is you don’t look to someone else to give you what you haven’t given yourself. You also don’t trust others to give you what they can’t give themselves or what they simply aren’t capable of.
For me, trust and respect go hand in hand. You have to trust and respect yourself before you can expect anyone else to. And if you do, you won’t put up with someone who doesn’t.

Pretty simple, isn’t it?

* * * * *

Paula Renaye is a tough love media expert, empowerment coach and transformational speaker. Critics call her new self-improvement book, Living the Life You Love: The No-Nonsense Guide to Total Transformation, “A self-help guide with real-world value and applicability, which proves it’s never too late to grow up. ...profound, useful insights and strategies … deeply human, compassionate and supportive.” Kirkus Reviews (starred review, critics’ pick) To learn more about Paula and her work and read more articles, visit www.paularenaye.com.

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Paula Renaye - Is There a Short in Your Sound System?

by Paula Renaye 

Yesterday, a friend asked me to meet her for lunch at a local restaurant. I’d met another friend there a few days before, so it was my second visit in less than a week. The first time, there had only been a few customers, but I figured it was just because of the time of day. Yesterday, however, it was noon, and the large establishment was virtually empty, so clearly, something was up.

On my first visit, I’d noticed that they had a speaker over the front door, blaring music loudly. The overbearing volume was unpleasant enough—you certainly couldn’t talk over and it made me want to get away as fast as possible—but worse, there was a short in the system. Every two or three seconds, a static pause interrupted the loud roar, giving off a choppy unsettling and annoying feeling. Inside, the volume wasn’t as loud, but it was still the same inconsistent delivery. No one seemed to notice, and, after I got involved in my conversation, neither did I.

Yesterday, however, I noticed—in a big way. My friend was running a few minutes late so I decided to sit in the patio area and enjoy the beautiful day. That lasted maybe two minutes—maybe—because I just couldn’t stand the noise. Yes, I could have taken a few moments and worked to tune it out, but I just didn’t want to—it didn’t feel good. Tuning out loud music is one thing, tuning out loud music interrupted by broken static is another, and I just didn’t want to deal with it.

Obviously, there was a short in the system somewhere, and probably not just the sound system either since inside the staff seemed to be struggling too. It took a long time to get our food—longer still for a man who was waiting when we sat down. They just couldn’t seem to get things going smoothly or consistently. 

Hmmm.

Even if we don’t realize it consciously, we are affected by our environment. Even though something has become “normal” and we don’t notice it, it’s still affecting us.

So, start noticing what’s really going on in your world. Start listening to the “noise” around you. What is your subconscious mind hearing that you don’t realize? Are you surrounded by smooth, supportive, enriching music, or is your world filled with chaotic negative chatter that leaves you feeling down, angry or just plain “off”? Whichever it is, that’s the same vibe that you’re sending out—you have to be otherwise you couldn’t tolerate what you’re living in. 

I don’t want to go back to that restaurant again—ever—it wasn’t comfortable for me and I didn’t enjoy it. It’s the same with people. When you interact with someone and come away feeling bad, you generally don’t want to repeat the experience. 

How about you? Are the experiences you’re getting the ones you really want? 

Take a look at who and what surrounds you. What “vibes” do you get from each of them? What vibes do you send out?

Something to think about!

* * * * *

Paula Renaye is an empowerment coach, transformational speaker and award-winning author of the highly acclaimed new self-improvement book, Living the Life You Love: The No-Nonsense Guide to Total Transformation. Visit www.paularenaye.com for more personal development articles and self-help tips.

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Paula Renaye - What to Do When You Know It’s You?

by Paula Renaye

There’s a point in our transformation process where you’ve owned up to the fact that nothing and no one is going to make things better for you except you. That’s a huge step—HUGE. But then what? What do you actually do about it? Where do you start?

My friend and women’s empowerment coach Jami Jones said it this way:

I thought getting a divorce would fix my problems—and it was absolutely necessary and it did solve a lot of issues. What it didn’t automatically do, however, was fix the part of me that got myself into that situation in the first place. I realized I had to stop the old patterns. I had to stop thinking the disempowering thoughts. It's easy to say, but not so easy to do. The first thing that I started doing was noticing my self-talk.

In fact, today I caught myself slipping into my negative loop with ugly self-talk that went something like this. "You should be grateful for what you have. Who do you think you are to want more? You've got it pretty good, why would you want to change?"

But as I was cleaning out my garage, clearing away my physical junk, I decided to change the chatter. That's the beauty of our thoughts; we can choose to change them any time we want! So my new self-talk went something like this, "I'll feel so great when I can walk through my clean garage! I’m cleaning out all the junk I don’t need—physically and mentally—and I am so excited about the amazing new life and opportunities it will bring."

What a change in perspective! After a few minutes of self-empowering statements, I felt joyful and lighter. My working pace even increased and I had my garage clean in no time at all! Now I'm ready to tackle another project that will bring me closer to my goals. And I am watching my thoughts like a hawk. If I start feeling bad, I’m putting my laser focus on figuring out what I’m telling myself—the thought behind the feeling—and changing it.

That’s what it’s all about it, isn’t it? Paying attention to ourselves. Wait a minute! Even as I wrote that, I caught myself in a disempowering thought. It was so quick I almost missed it, but there it was, a fleeting wisp through my mind that said what I had just written was a selfish thing to say. And the kicker is that my conscious intention was to pay attention to our thoughts for self-improvement—not even close to be selfish or self-absorbed. And yet, my subconscious had been triggered just the same and now I know it’s something I need to stay alert for. Any thoughts that say, “Paying attention to—or taking of—myself is selfish” have to be stopped immediately and reframed. 

Do you know what you’re telling yourself? Pay attention to your thoughts and your words and be sure. My new reframed belief is, “Taking care of myself is essential to my wellbeing and my ability to be present for others.” What’s a new empowering belief you can find for yourself today?

* * * *

Paula Renaye’s new book, Living the Life You Love: The No-Nonsense Guide to Total Transformation is like a best friend wrapping a sturdy arm around your shoulder, telling it like it is then helping you figure out what to do about it. It’s recommended by a growing list of mental health professionals as, “All the benefits of serious therapy in one book!” and “The quintessential manual for anyone who no longer wants to be a member of the ‘ain’t it awful’ club.” 

Available now at your favorite neighborhood and online booksellers in the US, UK, Canada and Australia. Foreign translations available soon. Visit www.ToughLoveTalk.com for more cut-to-the-chase inspiration.

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Hoosiers, Vegas & Cutting Off a Cast

Hoosiers, Vegas and Cutting off a Cast
by Paula Renaye

Last night, I watched Hoosiers, starring Gene Hackman, and besides being a great movie, it also zipped me back in time to my own days of playing basketball. Even though it’s set in the fifties, aside from the cars and poodle skirts, it’s about the same setting and mindset that I grew up in almost three decades later. And, like the kids in the movie, nothing was more important than basketball to me—even boys.

Basketball was so important, in fact, that after being seriously injured in a game, I took a knife and hacked off my full-length leg cast so I could play in the district championship match. My mother was furious. The coach wasn’t too happy either, but he wrapped my knee and let me play as much as I could. I wasn’t in top form, but I still remember scoring a fair number of points. I don’t remember whether we won or not, and it really didn’t matter—playing mattered. 

As I look back on the teenage me, I don’t see that young girl as stupid even though that was the general consensus about it from my family, spouse  and even myself for many years. What I see now is a girl doing what she needed to at the time—and it really had nothing at all to do with basketball. She was defining who she thought she was and wanted to be.

Still, as I watched the movie—and remembered my own experiences—I couldn’t help but wonder what I would have done in that situation. Could I have kept my head in the game the way those boys did or would I have bought into the “it’s impossible” thinking and defeated myself? The answer is I really don’t know.
We can never know for certain what we’ll do until we’re in the moment with a decision to make—and a messy mind to deal with. Will we find the courage to give everything we’ve got in spite of the odds? Or will we let our fears and faulty thinking pre-defeat us?

In more recent movie, What Happens in Vegas, Jack (Ashton Kutcher) messes up at work again and challenges his boss, who is also his dad, to a basketball game to decide if he’s going to be fired or not. When his dad gets ahead in the game and it’s down to the last point, Jack quits playing. Instead of finishing the game, he chooses to walk away. He still loses his job, but he keeps his dad from officially winning and proving him a “loser.” 

Jack had a lot of beliefs to overcome and growing up to do. He could have used Coach Norm Dale’s inspirational talk to his team before the regional finals:
“…don’t get caught up thinking about winning or losing this game. If you put your efforts and concentration into playing to your potential, to be the best you can be, I don’t care what the scoreboard says at the end of the game, in my book we’re going to be winners.”

It’s true. And the name of the game is Life. 

You are what you believe you are, so be very sure you know what that is. Pay attention to your thoughts and your words. And if you catch yourself—as I did—hearing or feeling things you don’t like, stop right where you are and clean them up. Make sure your beliefs about yourself and your life are really what you want.
Now, as far as my own adventures, I’m certainly not advocating that anyone do what I did as a kid with a cast. However, there are times when we have to make choices that are right for us in the moment, regardless of what others may think. 

In The Princess Diaries, newly discovered royal Mia finds a letter from her late father, which includes a classic quote and more food for thought:
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all.” 

It may seem easier in the moment to walk away or “not do,” but every choice defines who you are. Be sure those choices live up to who you want to be.

Whatever your challenge, be brave and follow your heart. Embrace your purpose and passion. Step up into your highest potential and live it to the fullest--now!

* * * * *

Paula Renaye’s new hands-on manual for transformation, Living the Life You Love: The No-Nonsense Guide to Total Transformation is receiving enthusiastic endorsements from the mental health community and is garnering international attention. Learn more about Paula and her work and read her blog at www.toughlovetalk.com.

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Paula Renaye - Wearing the Know-It-All Hat

Wearing the Know-It-All Hat
by Paula Renaye 

I really hate admitting this, but it sure does make a nice point about recognizing what we say and do, so we can consciously choose whether we want to keep the behavior. And by we, I mean me.

I’ve written before about my rebel archetype and how her “I’ll show you” attitude gave me the courage and determination to do things I never thought I could. She’s a great powerhouse to have. However, the shadow side is that Rebel always needs something to struggle against to prove herself. She has to prove she knows and can do it all, and that she doesn’t need anyone to do anything for her—ever. 

That side of me hadn’t popped up in a while, but yesterday, Shadow Rebel was out and about, wearing her know-it-all hat and “I can do it by myself” boots. Which was all well and good, except that the conscious me had already admitted that I didn’t know it all, and furthermore, I didn’t want to do it all myself—not this time, and maybe not ever.

So, here’s what happened. My instant hot water heater under my kitchen sink had a meltdown. I drink a lot of tea, so I use it a lot, and with the book production and launch stuff that’s been going on, I’ve kind of been on meltdown too. My theory is that little unit just took the bullet for me and fried itself to get my attention and make me take a break. Luckily, I found it before it went up in flames—ditto for me.

Anyway, I gave in and called a plumber. It wasn't that I couldn't have done the job--I could have…eventually. It was a time thing to a degree, but the truth is, I just didn't want to do it. Now, that didn't keep Rebel from trying to tell the plumber how to do it when he got here. Yes, really. 

At least I caught myself. It was kind of funny, and I just said something like, "Or, I can shut up and can go back in my office and let you do it since you know what you're doing and I don't, which is why I called you in the first place." He laughed. 

And he did know things I didn't—imagine that. I would have taken a hacksaw to the compression fitting, which would have then made my copper tube too short, which would have then necessitated raising the bracket to make it fit the short pipe, and I would have probably spent the whole day doing it. And that would have been fine if I really wanted to know and learn--the hard way. Turns out, I don’t anymore. He showed me how to unhook the compression fitting and none of the other stuff was necessary. It took him about twenty minutes—maybe.

There’s the point. We don’t have to make things hard on ourselves—we, again, meaning me. I don’t have to keep proving myself like that. I’ve done plumbing and I know I can if I have to. I’m glad that I can forever say I did almost all the renovations on my condo, including plumbing, electrical, carpentry, drywall and the like. I’m really proud of that, and it was what I needed to do at the time—part of my own internal renovations. 

Now, however, I don’t have to keep doing it. I don’t have keep doing things the hard way when there are people who know easier ways. I don’t have to keep struggling to figure things out on my own when there’s no point to it. The rebel in me doesn’t have to overcome and prove herself anymore. She doesn’t have to make it hard. She’s not “less” because she called a plumber. And she wouldn’t have been “more” if she hadn’t and tackled the job herself. 

And, now, all she has to do is remember that.

Pay attention to what you say. You might be surprised what you hear.

* * * * *

Paula Renaye learned that tough love works the way she learned pretty much everything else—the hard way. Her new book, Living the Life You Love: The No-Nonsense Guide to Total Transformation is like a best friend wrapping a sturdy arm around your shoulder, telling it like it is then helping you figure out what to do about it. Learn more about Paula and her work, and read her blog, at www.toughlovetalk.com.

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Michael Phelps “Got What He Deserved”

by Paula Renaye

A few weeks ago, I decided to catch up on the world outside my little bubble of book launch frenzy and watched the Olympics. What fun! And inspiring! 

I can’t begin to imagine the pressure these athletes are under or how it would be to live and perform under that level of scrutiny. Some were calm and cool—or at least appeared to be—in the face of pressures that would crack most of us like an egg. Even in the short time I watched, I saw many moving moments of sportsmanship and class, and those far outweighed the occasional disappointed athlete who wasn’t able to step up in the moment and be who they will probably later wish they could have been. 

As a “take responsibility” advocate, I loved Bob Costas’ interview with Michael Phelps. Since “Take responsibility for your choices” is a major plank of my own platform, I loved hearing him say that “he got what he deserved.”

He said that for a while he didn’t want to practice—and didn’t—for about two years. And when he decided to start, it was a struggle and he needed help just getting to the gym. He got back on track and trained enough to win Olympic gold, but not across the board as when he’d been living and breathing it 24/7. He owned his choices and the outcomes those created— the winning and the not. No excuses, just the bottom line that he hadn’t put in the training to do it as he had before.

It’s a great message. If you want it, you have to do what it takes to get it—you have to go all in. And if you don’t, you own it. 

When we accept responsibility for choices that create outcomes we don’t want, we give ourselves the information we need to make different ones. When we acknowledge and honor the choices—and our abilities and efforts—that create the successes we want, we give ourselves great reasons to repeat those.
So, really, whether you’re dealing with a desired outcome or one you’re not so thrilled with, owning your part in the deal automatically leads you to create more of what you do want in your life.

So, step up and take responsibility for your choices. Embrace your purpose and passion and start living your highest potential—now! Go for your personal gold every single day!

*****

Paula Renaye’s new hands-on manual for transformation, Living the Life You Love: The No-Nonsense Guide to Total Transformation will be in neighborhood and online bookstores in September. Learn more about Paula and her work and read her blog at www.toughlovetalk.com.

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Paula Renaye - Who’s Writing Your Story?

by Paula Renaye

As regular readers probably know, I write both fiction and nonfiction. Today, I've been working on one of my mystery novels. That doesn't mean I don't have other things to do to promote my upcoming new nonfiction book, Living the Life You Love—I have multiple lists for that. However, I guess my brain needed a break, so I was out running around Kickapoo, Texas with Jolene, and laughing myself silly. 

It sounds crazy, but I really don't remember what I’ve written, and it always catches me off guard. I was zipping through the comments from the editor, trying not to read very much, but I couldn't help myself. The Tough Love BFF Coach me just shook her head at fictional character Jolene’s way of dealing with things. The reader me laughed. Here’s a little snippet:

But maybe I just wasn't seeing the bigger picture—and maybe I didn't want to. Denial danced a jig through my brain chanting, when in doubt, block it out.

Now, you'd have to read it in context for it to be funny, but it’s really how we handle things a lot of times. If we don’t want to hear it or face it, we simply and deliberately block it out, and Jolene gives great examples of what not to do! 

Those lines were from the first book in the series—her first foray back to her old hometown to deal with her recently widowed mother, who's turned into a granny-gone-wild with a gun. Dealing with Mommy Dearest’s antics is bringing up issues—lots and lots of issues—and Jolene clearly isn’t following the suggestions in my self-improvement books. By book three, she’s showing a little progress, although still fighting against it. In the next scene, she’s taken aback by a “not from around here” medical examiner, who seems to see right through her.

“I have nothing more than I did this morning, Sheriff, however, I did get another call regarding the case.” He glanced in my direction, although there was no way he could have known it was me. “A woman from the newspaper.”

He continued to stare as if he did know, so apparently he was psychic too. Or, I could have just been feeling extremely guilty. Lucille had done a stunning job of instilling that. So, figuring confession was the best plan at this point, I said, “That was me, and I apologize for the misrepresentation. I do write for a paper, however—in Denver.”

“I know.” Then, he said something I would have never guessed would flow from the lips of anyone living in Redwater Falls, Texas, “Although, we are where we want to be, aren’t we, Jolene?”

Now why would he say that? Oh, I knew very well what the phrase meant. God knows my best friend Tanya said it to me enough times when I was unhappily married to Danny, adding that, “If you wanted it to be different, it would be.” It had really pissed me off until I finally realized she was right and got myself a divorce.

That’s how it was for me too. I knew the words long before I could walk the talk. And I didn’t like it when others pointed that out to me either. But, the more they did, the harder it was to ignore. And, eventually, I couldn’t—and didn’t want to.
I eventually realized that I was the one pulling my own strings—I was the one writing my own story. And, I could change it if I wanted to.

* * * * *

Paula Renaye has won four national book awards for her nonfiction and Paula Boyd has won a literary award for fiction. Visit http://paularenaye.com and http://paulaboyd.com. Paula’s new title, Living the Life You Love: The No-Nonsense Guide to Total Transformation, is receiving enthusiastic responses internationally.

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