by Paula Renaye
I really hate admitting this, but it sure does make a nice point about recognizing what we say and do, so we can consciously choose whether we want to keep the behavior. And by we, I mean me.
I’ve written before about my rebel archetype and how her “I’ll show you” attitude gave me the courage and determination to do things I never thought I could. She’s a great powerhouse to have. However, the shadow side is that Rebel always needs something to struggle against to prove herself. She has to prove she knows and can do it all, and that she doesn’t need anyone to do anything for her—ever.
That side of me hadn’t popped up in a while, but yesterday, Shadow Rebel was out and about, wearing her know-it-all hat and “I can do it by myself” boots. Which was all well and good, except that the conscious me had already admitted that I didn’t know it all, and furthermore, I didn’t want to do it all myself—not this time, and maybe not ever.
So, here’s what happened. My instant hot water heater under my kitchen sink had a meltdown. I drink a lot of tea, so I use it a lot, and with the book production and launch stuff that’s been going on, I’ve kind of been on meltdown too. My theory is that little unit just took the bullet for me and fried itself to get my attention and make me take a break. Luckily, I found it before it went up in flames—ditto for me.
Anyway, I gave in and called a plumber. It wasn't that I couldn't have done the job--I could have…eventually. It was a time thing to a degree, but the truth is, I just didn't want to do it. Now, that didn't keep Rebel from trying to tell the plumber how to do it when he got here. Yes, really.
At least I caught myself. It was kind of funny, and I just said something like, "Or, I can shut up and can go back in my office and let you do it since you know what you're doing and I don't, which is why I called you in the first place." He laughed.
And he did know things I didn't—imagine that. I would have taken a hacksaw to the compression fitting, which would have then made my copper tube too short, which would have then necessitated raising the bracket to make it fit the short pipe, and I would have probably spent the whole day doing it. And that would have been fine if I really wanted to know and learn--the hard way. Turns out, I don’t anymore. He showed me how to unhook the compression fitting and none of the other stuff was necessary. It took him about twenty minutes—maybe.
There’s the point. We don’t have to make things hard on ourselves—we, again, meaning me. I don’t have to keep proving myself like that. I’ve done plumbing and I know I can if I have to. I’m glad that I can forever say I did almost all the renovations on my condo, including plumbing, electrical, carpentry, drywall and the like. I’m really proud of that, and it was what I needed to do at the time—part of my own internal renovations.
Now, however, I don’t have to keep doing it. I don’t have keep doing things the hard way when there are people who know easier ways. I don’t have to keep struggling to figure things out on my own when there’s no point to it. The rebel in me doesn’t have to overcome and prove herself anymore. She doesn’t have to make it hard. She’s not “less” because she called a plumber. And she wouldn’t have been “more” if she hadn’t and tackled the job herself.
And, now, all she has to do is remember that.
Pay attention to what you say. You might be surprised what you hear.
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Paula Renaye learned that tough love works the way she learned pretty much everything else—the hard way. Her new book, Living the Life You Love: The No-Nonsense Guide to Total Transformation is like a best friend wrapping a sturdy arm around your shoulder, telling it like it is then helping you figure out what to do about it. Learn more about Paula and her work, and read her blog, at www.toughlovetalk.com.
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