The Queen Stole My Peas

Our 3 Most False Convictions
By Pandora Poikilos

Some months ago, when Peas got back from work I was brimming with updates about what had happened in my day. I asked him how his day was, got the usual "fine" and then jabbered on about everything that happened in my day. Even when he went to another room, I sat jabbering away and eventually when I got no response I asked him what he was doing and was greeted with a muffled but firm "I'm banging the queen". Of course, I was gobsmacked. How could the queen, wherever she was (despite all her finery,) have the attention of my beloved Peas? What followed was not so much an argument but a revelation for both parties.

I work from home. Thanks to a shunt in my head, I find going out torture and only do it when absolutely necessary. He goes out for work and on weekends spends time with the guys and his bike (his second love). I had been convinced that once he was home, he would understand my excitement at seeing him and would look forward to hearing about my day as much as I would look forward to hearing about his. He was convinced that once he was home, I would understand his need for personal space without telling me that he needed it.

So that is the first conviction we all get so wrong, people will tell us what they need. Some of us lack the courage to speak and others lack the bravery to listen. How nice if we can all move on in life without the awkwardness of understanding each other's needs. As long as there are no complaints, it must all be good or so we tell ourselves. But you see that is where it can go horribly wrong. These are the little things that will simmer and boil till one day it will just boil over and when it does you'll wonder where all these issues were actually hidden in the first place.

Which brings me to our second false conviction, people are mind readers. How many times we tell ourselves, why did she do that when should know that I don't like it? But are you absolutely sure, the person even knows? If something bothers you that much, then open your mouth and speak up. Better to be heard and known than one day to find out you could have stopped an atrocity but lacked the tenacity to speak up.

This brings me to my last and most common false conviction, somehow a lot of people seemed to have convinced themselves that relationships do not need work. They would be more willing to spend the rest of their lives with the incredulous threads of conviction to the likes of "the queen stole my peas" than to dig a little deeper and find out what the actual problem was. From my experience I can tell you that relationships will survive anything and everything when will and heart come together. You name it - misunderstandings, bad times, good times, distance, fire, storms and anything life can offer save for one thing, and that is neglect.

The minute you think a relationship does not need your time, attention or voice then you can be as sure as the summer sun that is the beginning of the ending. Yes, sometimes we all need to move on and move out of a relationship. But only after you have done everything you possibly know and can to hold it together. Peas and I have our "childish" pacts like - hugs and kisses are absolutely allowed even if we have disagreed about something, if one of us screws up then we must tell the other about it even if not immediately and my personal favourite, no matter how bad a day we've had we must describe our day to the other person in more than 10 words. No "fine", "good" or "it was okay". We'll probably have a few more along the way, I don't know but I know that if we can make it through brain surgery then everything else shouldn't be rocket science.

So the next time you think your relationship has failed or is failing because someone has stolen the attention of your loved one, think again. The answers and convictions (or the lack of it) might be staring you in the face and you don't have to go on with life thinking how was it ever possible for "the queen to steal your peas".