By Paula Renaye
Maya Angelou had it right. When people show you who they are, you better believe them. So why don't we? Why do we believe the words we want to hear and ignore the cold, hard facts in front of our eyes that say otherwise? In short, because it's easier. We'd rather believe that people are the way we want them to be instead of how they actually are, because if we admit the truth, we know we'll have to face doing something about it.
One of Rebound Guy's favorite phrases was, "You can make your mouth say anything you want; it's what you do that counts." Believe me when I say that I should have paid closer attention to his wise words! But, if I had, I couldn't have continued my self-deception and the relationship would have been over. Since to me that equaled death, I deliberately only heard what I wanted to, ignored or excused his behavior and methodically made myself insane. And, as unpleasant as it is to admit, what I was saying and doing didn't remotely match either!
Yes, it's true that actions speak louder than words, but unless both our actions and words are telling the same story, we aren't being honest--especially with ourselves. It comes back to what I talk about a lot--congruency, making sure your thoughts, words and actions match. For example, you may say that you want to have an intimate, fulfilling, committed relationship, but the things you do--such as being distant, not calling, disappearing, not wanting to be pinned down about future commitments, still getting daily emails of new matches from dating sites, etc.--tells a wildly different story.
In my own case, after coming out of a 25-year marriage that was a house of untrustworthy cards from the beginning, I leaped immediately into an even shakier situation with Rebound Guy. Because I'd been hurt so badly in my marriage, I swore I never wanted to do that again; I just wanted a committed relationship with a life partner. Rebound Guy didn't want to get married either and said he wanted a committed relationship too. On the surface, we were saying we wanted the same things. In reality, we were both big fat liars.
My definition of a committed relationship was exactly the same as marriage in my head sans the state certificate. His definition meant two people hanging out when it was convenient for him. Situations that even remotely hinted at a marriage-like arrangement--or the feeling that some woman (mother) was trying to control him--sent him into a tailspin and he acted out accordingly, which sent me into a tailspin, which triggered me…you get the idea.
We may have both been saying the same words, but we definitely did not want the same things, and it kept us in a constant struggle, trying to get each other to comply with the unspoken versions of what we really wanted.
We're always showing others who we really are--and they are showing us--whether we realize it or not. So, start paying attention to what is being said and what is being done--by others and yourself. Be willing to let yourself see how things really are rather than how you would like them to be. If things feel "off," there's a reason and you need to deal with it.
Be honest with yourself about what you really want and come clean about it--even if it means others aren't going to like it. It's the only way you'll ever be truly happy.
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Paula Renaye is tough love motivational speaker, certified professional coach and author of the multi-award-winning self-empowerment guide, The Hardline Self Help Handbook, which is on sale for the holidays now at most retailers. Her Tweet-able Tough Love Quotes book is available free for a limited time. Visit http://hardlineselfhelp.com for more information and tips.
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