Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Vampires, Boundaries and You

By Paula Renaye

Have you ever done something you didn't want to simply because you didn’t want to hurt someone else's feelings? Were you afraid that if you didn't go along you'd be thought of as mean or bad?

To paraphrase Dr. Phil, "How'd that work out for you?"

I can tell you exactly how it has worked out for me—badly, very, very badly.

If I don't honor my own feelings and boundaries, how can I expect anyone else to? And if that person gets upset and thinks I'm a vile person because I didn't succumb to their pressure and do what they wanted, is it really a bad thing?

The answers are obvious, but when we are in the situation, it can be easy to fall back into old patterns and not do what we know to do immediately. When the internal warning system sends up a flag, those who don't have a solid sense of personal boundaries may push aside that uncomfortable internal twisting and let the violation slide. And if the other person has just told you how bad life her life is, and is obviously needing support, it can be hard to say the tough stuff that you think is going to make her feel even worse.

Well, that's a trap—a self-inflicted one. You aren't helping anyone when you don't honor yourself first. If you don't set your boundaries immediately—when you first feel that cringe—it is only going to get worse. Guaranteed. Because one thing leads to another and when you try to get away—and you will—then you'll be subjected to guilt and other passive-aggressive manipulations. That's just the way that kind of personality operates—like a vampire. They don't really want help, they want a feeding tube.

Yes, we all need to be kind and considerate and help others, however, the first person we need to be kind and considerate to is Self. And allowing ourselves to be sucked into someone else's drama and neediness isn't helping anyone.

So, in short, you can choose to honor yourself and your feelings up front immediately when the violation occurs, or you can pretend it didn't happen and keep going on until you can't stand it. It isn't going to work out well either way. People who need to violate others' boundaries for their own purposes won't hang around with people who won't allow it so you may as well just get it over with quickly. It will save everyone a great deal of unnecessary grief all the way around.

If this post rings a bell, you could tie garlic around your neck as a reminder or you might enjoy Anne Katherine's wonderful book on the topic called Boundaries—Where You End and I Begin.

Be kind and helpful, honor yourself and live your joy!



*****

Paula Renaye is a certified life coach, speaker and author of The Hardline Self Help Handbook, which has won Four National Book Awards. For more motivational articles and free audio and digital downloads, visit http://hardlineselfhelp.com and be inspired!

If you're into funny mystery novels, check out the first book in my Jolene Jackson Mystery Series, Hot Enough to Kill. It's less than a dollar on Kindle!


Reactions:

0 comments:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Books Sold - 6 Nov 2011 to 31 May 2012

Some of you have asked me for my total number of books sold to evaluate KDP Select so here it is. Bear in mind, that results will vary based on genre and author. Good luck and remember, Keep Moving Forward.

Total - 120,836

1. Excuse Me, My Brains Have Stepped Out
Amazon Kindle - 42,559
Paperback -
Smashwords -

2. Frequent Traveller
Amazon Kindle - 35277
Paperback -
Smashwords -

3. Dora's Essentials - Books, Blogs & Smiles 1
Amazon Kindle - 462
Smashwords -

4. Mirror Me Martha (Short Story)
Amazon Kindle - 281
Smashwords -

5. Drive On Hope (Short Story)
Amazon Kindle - 190
Smashwords -

6. Blog-A-Licious Directory 2012
Amazon Kindle - 1
Smashwords -

7. Pandora's Reading Room 1
Amazon Kindle -
Paperback - N/A

8. The Cat That Barked (Short Story)
Amazon Kindle -

9. Dora's Essentials - Examining Anxiety
Amazon Kindle -

10. Dora's Essentials - Books, Blogs & Smiles 2
Amazon Kindle -

11. Elevenses from Around the World
Amazon Kindle -

12. Genetically Modified Foods vs. Sustainability
Amazon Kindle -

Blog-A-Licius - Sherbet Blossom

SherbetBlossom

Blog-A-Licious

Dealightfully Frugal

Blog-A-Licious - The Few, The Proud, The Wife

Blog-A-Licious

My Soul Slippers

Blog-A-Licous - Textbook Mommy

Blog-A-Licious - Blue Frogs Legs

Blog-A-Licious - Pretty All True

Pretty All True

Blog-A-Licious - tbaoo

tbaoo

Blog-A-Licious

Powered by BannerFans.com

Blog-A-Licious - The Invisible Art

Blog-A-Licious - Rediscovering Domesticity

Rediscovering Domesticity

Blog-A-Licious - Quiver Full

Blog-A-Licious - Cori's Big Mouth

Blog-A-Licious - Great Fun

Greatfun4kids

Blog-A-Licious - Busy Wife

Blog-A-Licious - Steps To Happiness

Powered by BannerFans.com

Blog-A-Licious - Toby & Max


Blog-A-Licious - Amelie

Raising Amelie

Blog-A-Licious - Peas In A Pod

Blog-A-Licious - Riley

Blognostics - Poetry

BlogNostics

My Awards - September 2010

My Awards - September 2010
Awarded By Jo Frances

My Awards - May 2011

My Awards - May 2011
Awarded By Alejandro Guzman

My Awards - May 2011

My Awards - May 2011
Awarded by Kriti Mukherjee

My Awards - April 2011

My Awards - April 2011
Awarded By Roy Durham

My Awards - June 2011

My Awards - June 2011
Awarded By Sulekha Rawat

Book Blogs Community

Indie Author Blog Hop


indie author blog hop
Previous | Home | Join | Random | Next

In Support Of

In Support Of

Support Me - KIVA

Celebrating Authors

Book Signing @

Read Me - E.Zine Articles

Copyscape

Protected by Copyscape Online Plagiarism Software