Paula Renaye - What to Do When You Know It’s You?

by Paula Renaye

There’s a point in our transformation process where you’ve owned up to the fact that nothing and no one is going to make things better for you except you. That’s a huge step—HUGE. But then what? What do you actually do about it? Where do you start?

My friend and women’s empowerment coach Jami Jones said it this way:

I thought getting a divorce would fix my problems—and it was absolutely necessary and it did solve a lot of issues. What it didn’t automatically do, however, was fix the part of me that got myself into that situation in the first place. I realized I had to stop the old patterns. I had to stop thinking the disempowering thoughts. It's easy to say, but not so easy to do. The first thing that I started doing was noticing my self-talk.

In fact, today I caught myself slipping into my negative loop with ugly self-talk that went something like this. "You should be grateful for what you have. Who do you think you are to want more? You've got it pretty good, why would you want to change?"

But as I was cleaning out my garage, clearing away my physical junk, I decided to change the chatter. That's the beauty of our thoughts; we can choose to change them any time we want! So my new self-talk went something like this, "I'll feel so great when I can walk through my clean garage! I’m cleaning out all the junk I don’t need—physically and mentally—and I am so excited about the amazing new life and opportunities it will bring."

What a change in perspective! After a few minutes of self-empowering statements, I felt joyful and lighter. My working pace even increased and I had my garage clean in no time at all! Now I'm ready to tackle another project that will bring me closer to my goals. And I am watching my thoughts like a hawk. If I start feeling bad, I’m putting my laser focus on figuring out what I’m telling myself—the thought behind the feeling—and changing it.

That’s what it’s all about it, isn’t it? Paying attention to ourselves. Wait a minute! Even as I wrote that, I caught myself in a disempowering thought. It was so quick I almost missed it, but there it was, a fleeting wisp through my mind that said what I had just written was a selfish thing to say. And the kicker is that my conscious intention was to pay attention to our thoughts for self-improvement—not even close to be selfish or self-absorbed. And yet, my subconscious had been triggered just the same and now I know it’s something I need to stay alert for. Any thoughts that say, “Paying attention to—or taking of—myself is selfish” have to be stopped immediately and reframed. 

Do you know what you’re telling yourself? Pay attention to your thoughts and your words and be sure. My new reframed belief is, “Taking care of myself is essential to my wellbeing and my ability to be present for others.” What’s a new empowering belief you can find for yourself today?

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Paula Renaye’s new book, Living the Life You Love: The No-Nonsense Guide to Total Transformation is like a best friend wrapping a sturdy arm around your shoulder, telling it like it is then helping you figure out what to do about it. It’s recommended by a growing list of mental health professionals as, “All the benefits of serious therapy in one book!” and “The quintessential manual for anyone who no longer wants to be a member of the ‘ain’t it awful’ club.” 

Available now at your favorite neighborhood and online booksellers in the US, UK, Canada and Australia. Foreign translations available soon. Visit www.ToughLoveTalk.com for more cut-to-the-chase inspiration.